Harus Terpisah

Kehilangan

How do you deal with a significant lost in your life, one that you've been secretly wanting for as long as you can remember but came to you only briefly? Even a bigger question, how do you deal with that lost when you're not allowed to grieve but instead you are to pretend that it never happened?

Emotional strength, is what you need. Impossible, but that is the only choice you have, sadly.

Proud to be a leftie

Apparently, today is the Left-Handers' Day. For once, I feel LOVEDDDDDDDD! Heh.

Dark

At this moment of time, I truly and desperately wish that I am already here:

Whatever decisions that I have made or going to make in these few weeks or months, I'm pretty certain that going back to Komodo islands on that boat of Pak Condo's will not be one that I would regret.

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Perihal hijab

This is never meant  to be a houlier-than-thou post, just a small sharing to those who are in the contemplation stage to take the plunge. You know who you are.

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Come May, it will be 3 years since the first time I started wearing hijab. I know some people may say that wearing hijab shouldn't be made a big deal. After all, it is wajib for all muslim women. However, whether we like it or not, taking the big step to wear it IS a big deal to some of us who do not observe it since childhood, for some reasons or another.

Prior to May 2010, I have been wanting to wear hijab for the longest time but didn't have the guts to do it. Don't have to preach to me it's wajib, I know. Since long before, I personally believe that hijab is a constant reminder to me and those around me that I am a muslim, hence should uphold the name of the religion in EVERY single thing that I do, not just those directly related to religious duties such as praying and fasting. Hijab to me is more than a personal duty, it is a HUGE responsibility.

I can still clearly remember an incident when I was in my first year of university back in the mid 90s. A few friends and I got hold of some tickets to a big Halloween party at the then-happening Hippodrome, London, and of course we went. We weren't drinking or anything, just hanging out with new friends and enjoying the music and dance. Suddenly, amidst the loudness of music and chatters, a white guy approached a coursemate of mine who happened to wear a hijab, and told her politely that the club is not a place for a good muslim girl like her. Although she and the rest of us stayed on till the end, I realised from that night onward that when you wear a hijab, there are some sort of expectations from others, even from those liberal non-muslims. I learned that night that when you're donning a hijab, certain places like clubs become a big no-go, even if you're there just to enjoy the live bands or meet friends.

Alhamdulillah, when I came back from Umrah in May 2010, the urge to wear hijab came naturally and it felt just right. I know at that point of time, I have experienced and explored most worldly pleasures enough that I could leave those unnecessary ones behind.

Of course, the transformation wasn't without hiccups. Prior to the change, my comfy informal outfits for hanging out with friends, shopping or even going to movies would be three-quarter pants or the most, jeans, with just baby-tees. Dressing up to go out would only take me 5 minutes and packing for any trips would just take below 15 minutes. In contrast, when I first started wearing hijab, going out was a major headache and getting ready, more often than not, took me a longgggg time. Finding 'shariah-compliant' clothing from the wardrobe was one problem, to colour-match them with my limited collection of hijabs was definitely another! Even until now, packing for trips would take triple the time compared to before and I can hardly pack everything in just a backpack. Another problem (which is still bugging me till now) is the need to iron the tudungs, if not the clothes as well. I just hate ironing! Scuba diving and swimming are tricky too because it can be very tempting to just pull off the hijab when your hair is dripping wet after a dip. Luckily, due to priority changes, both activities which were very often before have now becoming very, very rare (sadly).

But there is a silver lining although with ups and downs. I can assure you that things do get easier as time goes by although I am still learning. One thing for sure, although wearing a hijab didn't change me from a sinner to an angel overnight, I do feel that I am in general a better person now. I curse less for a start, and I observe the law and basic human rules more too. I don't jump queues, I don't speed, I stop at red lights even when there are no other cars around and I definitely use my signal lights when I want to make a turn or change lanes. Have you heard people cursing 'pakai  je tudung tapi potong queue/ bawak kereta macam  %^%##$**$%!!'? Yeah, I used to be as judgemental as that too so after the hijab, I try as much as I can to break the unfair generalisation, to uphold the good name of the Islam, associated to hijab.

Like I said, I am still learning. And together we shall, insya' allah.

A tribute

 This song was dedicated to American soldiers during Gulf War but it gave a totally different meaning to me. It symbolises true friendships beyond age, race or gender and I am glad those special people were in my life at some point or another. Thank you, you know who you are.

Blues

A relatively new number from Anuar Zain. Appropriate for a gloomy day like today, I'd say.

Kedekut kemut

I was getting some dried chillies during my usual grocery shopping yesterday when I saw this. A lady who was choosing some garlics just next to me started to peel the outer layers of every single clove of garlics that she chose before packing them up for weighing. I reckon she took about a kilo of garlics, so she was there for a good 10 minutes or so, just peeling. She made a big mess in the process with the peeled skin scattered all over the floor, oblivious to my staring eyes. Seriously, how pathetic can you be? I don't think the few cents you save from that peeled garlics can make you a millionaire!

I almost wanted to tell the miserly aunty off but a cleaner beaten me to it. The cleaner came to sweep the floor and calmly told her to stop. Embarrassed, the aunty walked away in a huff, but not without her bag of skinned garlics. Hurrah to common sense!

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Happy new year everyone! I have no new resolutions since I have yet to achieve those from previous years. Haih.

 
   A stormy end, a brighter tomorrow?

Hilang - cukup tinggi

I am 36 years old and I always spell in full whenever I text or email for I loathe the sms language used widely by youngsters these days.  Boleh buat sakit otak ok. A case in point, a bbm that said 'k t sye tang' received just a few nights ago gave me an instant bout of nausea.

Why am I making the above statement? Because I have just read Dayang Noor's second novel, Hilang (thank you kak for posting it out to me) and it didn't give me a single hint of headache nor nausea. In fact,  I got glued to it for 4 hours or so and read it from cover to cover just in one sitting. It was a pretty good book with unexpected twists here and there. The story plot developed in unexpected manner from one chapter to another that my imagination and opinion on one of the main characters, Khairani, kept changing over the pages and only firmly established at the last page of the book. There were also moments when I chuckled while reading it, especially when I saw 'Harsa' and 'Intan's Oven'. I can sooo imagine them for they were based on real people that some of us might know.

Anyway, over hundreds of books that I have bought over the last 10 years, Hilang is only my 3rd malay book. The first one was Lantai T Pinkie (ada autograph Pak Samad Said!) and the second was Jerat, kak Dayang's first ever novel (it was a good one too). Truth to be told, I stopped buying and reading malay books back in the late 90s when Khadijah Hashim stopped writing novels. Other books by the then 'aspirational' writers, mainly focused on love stories but with repetitive and expected boring story plots. Even the owner of one bookshop that I used to frequent in Ampang Park said to me one day.. 'Sama saja la dik!'.  The language used too were too berbunga and jiwa karat that I couldn't stop laughing while reading (hilang feel ok), hence another reason why I stopped.

Back to Hilang, it is one of the 2 Fixi books banned by Popular Bookstore Malaysia with the excuse that the book contains words or languages that aren't suitable for the general public particularly teenagers. Seriously??? If based on the same ground, I can honestly say that ALL the english novels I have bought from this exact bookstore over the years should be banned as well since they all contained far worse language with either direct or sexual innuendos. The irony is, 50 shades of gray which is clearly classified as an erotic novel is. apparently, being sold by the bookstore. So, why the double standard?

The funny thing is, the founder of PTS Media Group (who is, ironically, also a STF alumnus like kak Dayang) came out with this statement indirectly supporting the action by Popular Bookstore, labelling Fixi books as using Bahasa Melayu Rendah (BMR). Honestly, for a publisher who came out with a supposedly educational book entitled 'Studi Secara Smart' (hancur bahasa!), it is to me like the pot calling the kettle black. Heh. 

If I, a 36-year old (fairly) educated woman, can actually enjoy reading Hilang, a book that to me, uses acceptable language and grammar of today's standard to engage our general population to start reading malay books again, why not Popular or PTS? Why the holier-than-thou attitude? Apart from students sitting for malay literature papers and language professors, tell me honestly, who else are using Bahasa Melayu Tinggi (BMT) in today's world? Would you prefer people shy away from malay books altogether?
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Anyway, love this song. It's been awhile since KRU came out with a beautiful number like this one.

10 tahun

Gambar hiasan: Pygmy seahorse at Batu Kelabit, Tulamben, Bali (July 2012)

I had troubling dreams or rather, nightmares several times in the past 2 weeks, which most of the time awoken me in cold sweats at 3-4 o'clock in the morning. The dreams were vivid, with a few faces almost repetitively appear in them although I can't really remember the story plots now. It was weird really, because these faces were from a past chapter that has been long forgotten.

Anyway, while driving home alone after attending a friend's wedding on saturday night, it suddenly dawned on me the significance of those nightmares. I just realised that one night around this month 10 years ago (I can't remember the exact date now since all 'evidence' had been destroyed long time ago) was the night when I received an email that broke my heart into pieces, one that changed my life plans and dreams 180 degrees. But true to the 'blessings in disguise' old saying, I have gained by heaps and bounds after the initial rock-bottom nosedive and the subsequent unsettling 2 years. I guess, the nightmares are just serving as reminders for me to continue counting my blessings and be grateful to the Almighty.

This blog was created in the midst of that unsettling 2 years by a late good friend to serve as an emotional outlet for me although I didn't feel comfortable of sharing anything with the world until after the final separation in Ramadhan 2004 and finally the divorce in December 2004. After all, except for very close friends and family, nobody else knew about the first incident and thought we were one happily married couple, hence the shock reactions by some at the end of it.

Although the unseen scars are now buried very deep within me, they're still there I guess, which explain the unexpected dreams or hints of sadness at unexpected times. But, after 10 years, I've decided to not even think or talk about it anymore. From now on, there will be no mention of those darks years in this blog anymore and insyaallah, it will be filled with current (happier) thoughts and experiences. Penning down diving trips is much more exciting than depressing writing right?




Thank you VTC for being there for me all these years. Farewell.

Finally, home.

I unpacked a few boxes last night. Some of the items have been in those boxes for almost 10 years. Yup, a few items that I brought back from the UK remained unpacked for the past decade since I never did find a good time to take them out, or the need to do so.

Truth to be told, I never once felt truly settled or at home in the last decade. In the first couple of years after I came back, I stayed in a rented apartment and were probably too occupied picking up the pieces and mending my broken heart after the first incident. When we finally parted ways at the end of 2004, I quickly moved into my parents' and straight away plunged into work and social activities that I never really had the time to see to those boxes. I guess, deep down I knew I didn't belong to any one place (not even my parents') hence always looked forward to those travelling days either for work, voluntary work or diving.

Anyway, when I finally remarried 2 years ago and moved into a rented apartment with Big Boss, the move was swift, thanks to those largely unpacked boxes. To be honest, I was happy at the apartment and didn't see any point of finding our own place. Those boxes were nicely tucked away in the store room too. But towards the end of our tenancy agreement, the owner started to talk about selling the unit and we panicked. With much hesitations (mainly on my part!) we finally bought our own house at the end of last year and moved in last month. We did almost all the cleaning, repairing and painting ourselves so this house is truly ours in every sense.

I guess, my non-committal years are finally, truly, over and it is now the time to deal with those boxes.. because I am at long last, HOME.

I used to have fresh tulips, daffodils or carnations in this vase a decade ago. I guess it's time to shop for fresh flowers again...