T*G*I*F

Just a quick post to say... Thank god it's friday!!

It's my second day back at work and it feels like I was never away. But I'm glad to be back and regain my 'independence'...I've even started driving again today!

Anyway,I was welcomed back with a basket of fruits and a stalk of rose yesterday (and of course a trayful of work to be done as well), how sweet is that? I still can't eat much and my mouth hurts when I talk or laugh but I'm ok with that. It's better than being at home with nothing to do. I felt so restless!

So friends out there... don't worry. I'm fine and will always be..
Have a nice weekend all!

CT : Thanks for the long-distance call last night. Good to hear from you again!

In the dark

I passed out in the toilet last saturday night. No signs, no warnings. One moment I was sitting in the toilet trying to do my business and the next thing I knew, I was already face-down on the floor in a pool of blood. What really happened? What caused it? How long was I in the unconscious state? I guess I would never know some of the answers. All I know now are that my forehead and mouth are swollen and that I've lost a tooth! Ouch!!

The dignosis that was written in my medical notes in the hospital was 'vasovagal attack'.Sounds like a vague diagnosis to me but since all the investigations were normal, what else could I expect? My BP and sodium level were on the lowish side so I guess I just need to eat more salt to prevent this from happening again! It's abit weird because I always thought that my BP would be higher now that I'm regularly stressed out but it's totally the opposite.

Anyway, I was told not to drive or go anywhere alone until the cause is found. But realistically, I don't think that the cause will ever be found.So, for how long should I not drive and be dependent on others? I know the thought of losing my consciousness when I'm behind the steering wheel is pretty scary but life still need to go on right? Emmm...

*My cluttered brain*

I'm still in the office supposedly trying to finish off some reports before the long break but at this moment of time, I just can't give my full concentration to work anymore. There're too many things on my mind and I'm not sure which one to concentrate on anymore.

I realised that nowadays I think too much. Not worrying...but just plain thinking and sometimes planning, jumping from one subject to another in a matter of minutes. A few minutes ago I thought of the things that I should bring to a picnic that I just planned yesterday. Yet, even before I finish with my mental to-bring note, I started thinking of what to buy for my mom's birthday and moments later, about organising my coming trip to KB. I also realised that nowadays, I don't really need a written to-do list anymore.. all are well-kept inside my brain and so far, I've not forgotten anything major.

What makes my brain suddenly becoming superactive? Have I accidentally ingested any legal/illegal stimulants? None, as far as I can remember..emmm... I hope not anyway. The only reasonable cause that I can think of right now is probably due to my dual-job. I've been trying to do two jobs at the same time since the new year begun so the adrenaline rush is possibly the culprit that made my brain superhype. I never knew before that I can stretch my brain's capability this much! Now.. why didn't I use my brain this much during my last-minute studying years? I would have been the best student back then! hehe..

Anyway, the only other suspect that can probably cause the change in my brain activities is my own emotional status. As much as I hate to admit it, I know that at this point of life, I'm so unsure of which path to choose. At one moment I was warming up to the prospect of having my own property here in KL and settle down yet, at another, I found myself longing for the trip back to the UK to continue with my studies. One moment I had the urge to just drop everything and go travelling around the world but moments later, I felt so strongly on staying put and building up my professional career here. What is happening to me? Am I a bipolar schizoprenic? Geee...I certainly hope not!!

But seriously,I haven't got a clue of what I want in life now. I'm totally lost. Suddenly, instead of 29, I feel like I'm 18 again.. So many choices, so many possibilities.. but which one? 3 years ago I was so sure of what I want. What should I be and where should I be.. My goals and my lifeplan were all clearly laid down back then. But all those plans sound too boring now. Eventhough I feel like a lost and hungry kitten(or puppy, whichever you prefer) now, all these uncertainties actually excite me. Scary sometimes but exciting still. I guess the vulnerable and confused state that I am in now actually make me feel alive again. Maybe being lost and confused is what I need to motivate me to venture into new territories... to discover the real me. Maybe...

When you are at the top..

I went to Port Dickson last week. It was one trip that I initially dreaded since it was all about standards and procedures... How can you look forward to a 3-day presentation and discussion of ISO??

But looking back now, I'm glad that I went. I learned and experienced alot in that 3 days. I now know what people in Endoscopy Department really do and the different types of procedures that they provide. There are about 15 different 'scopies' that they carry out each day! I now know how many phone operators we have in the hospital and the problems that they're facing too. So, the next time I need to get through urgently to the wards during on-calls and the operators take donkey years to connect me, I probably will be more understanding and have more patience instead of just cursing them while waiting!

I also get to know more people that I normally deal with only over the phone and through letters. I can now put a face to Mr X, the Social Welfare Officer who I normally deal with whenever patients need help with payments of their drugs or Miss Y, the new scientist in Infectious Control whose name I kept hearing but never knew the face.

But the main lesson that I learnt there was how a good boss should be like. Each department (of the hospital) was represented by the head of department and 2 or 3 of their staff. As expected, most presentations were done by the departmental staff and the heads were there to add-on points and to help out during the Q&As session at the end of each presentation. I noticed some bosses were really supportive and helpful (mine included, thank god!)and some even switched seats to the front during their departments' presentations. However, some were not-so-supportive and one particular boss (I shall not reveal his name or the department that he heads) was one good example of how a boss SHOULD NOT be. Not only that he didn't pay much attention when his own staff did the presentation, he even continued playing with his phone (messaging I guess) when his staff were fired with endless questions and complaints!And when he finally opened his mouth, he sounded really defensive and unfriendly. Enough to say that I really pitied his staff that day...and wondered how do they survived all these while..

A friend who was there at the meeting with me made a comment that we are lucky to get a boss who is not only very supportive but also comparatively easy to talk to. I couldn't agree more. She may not be the perfect boss, but she is definitely one of the best heads in this hospital... or atleast among those that I've observed in those 3 days...

How is your boss like?