Joget

Both of us have been feeling lethargic for the past few weeks now. So today, having nowhere important to go to and nobody to entertain for a change, we decided to catch up with sleep and to finish reading the newspapers (and doozed off while doing that).

After the afternoon nap, I suddenly had the urge to exercise but not wanting to leave the house, I turned to youtube and scouted for zumba videos. I have never tried zumba before but being inspired by Kak Dayang's progress in losing weight through fun dancing, I decided to give a try.

Furthermore, I got involved in the joget zapin performance in the recent pre-grad dinner for our graduating students. Although I was almost 'keras kejung' dancing on the stage, I had fun and thought maybe dancing can be an alternative to stay fit and lose the weight that I have regained again now.

Can't remember who took this photo, most probably one of the students.

Anyway, I found this 2 zumba for beginners videos which I think are easy enough to follow (although I struggled to follow the pace of the second video) and after a couple of repeats of both, I was drenched in sweat, so it was a good start I guess. Just hope I can be consistent in doing this!

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Will it be stormy or a calm sea tomorrow, I wonder.

Melankolia

Tiba-tiba teringat lagu ni, heh. How are you, I wonder?

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I kinda ruffled a few feathers yesterday out of frustrations. Maybe I have been too nice that some people didn't get the chance to get to know the real me. Well, they sure do now!

Payung

I bought this simple tent probably circa 2000-2001 when we quite frequently hosted  BBQ and makan2 sessions back in Sheffield. I don't remember using it though, since sunshine in summer was precious back then and we would normally basked it in instead of running for the shades. Still in pristine condition, I decided to pack it up and ship it back to Malaysia when I left the UK for good and it remained in the box, untouched, for 12 years. Yup, 12 years. It finally got unpacked about 2 weeks ago when we (referring to a different pair of souls now) were hosting a small BBQ session and it was about to rain. When Big Boss asked about the never been seen tent, I just asked him to look in the store room, fully convinced that the tent wouldn't be usable. 10 minutes later, to my surprise,  the tent, still in its mint condition, was fully erected on the front lawn with friends happily eating under it.

So yeah, the tent lasts longer than the old relationship and it is now serving  its original purpose, in a much better home. Hah.
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"Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us... what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we’re making today"

- M. Grey

Hari ini dan semalam

16th April.

Today's date bugged me since a few days ago, as if it is one important date but I couldn't remember the exact reason. As if it is a date of an important appointment or of any celebrations.

Then it finally occurred to me this morning. Oh, it's THAT date. It is supposed to be our 16th anniversary but  of course, it never meant to be. I am happier separately, and I am sure he is too. But 16 years already? Time flies.

Alas, after checking my ovulation calendar, it turned out that today IS an important date for me and my significant half. It is a date to have fun!

Cutting ties

January 2014. A new year, a new start and it's time to get real.

I have many fond memories of this place. This was where I let loose of my sorrows, made new friends and met a new love. But I have moved on.... and some memories are best left behind.

Now that I am staying away from Ampang, there is no point of keeping the membership, so when the offer came, I let it go. Besides, there are many better pools around my place. May the new member enjoys his stay and makes beautiful memories here like I did.

Some ties are harder to cut. I hope, one day I will look back and give myself a pat on the back for the decisions I made, because it still feels like a real struggle at the mo.

One wish

Less than 5 days to a new year and I must be lying if I say I am not looking forward to leave 2013. 2013 is by far one of the most challenging years I have encountered so far in so many aspects but I am not going to grieve about those here, I just want to look forward and march on.

Today marked the first day of the 2nd cycle of my fertility treatment. Ok, maybe not truly the first day of the treatment since I have finished a course of Femara yesterday but the first day of at least 4 visits to the hospital in the next 1 week. Today, I had the first scan for follicle tracking and the first dose of Puregon injection (the injection site on the stomach is still painful at this moment!) and I shall be going back to the hospital every other day next week for the same procedures (with daily Puregon injection at my local GP) and hopefully IUI (intrauterine insemination) on Friday.

Why am I sharing this experience openly? Because believe me, it is one overwhelming process to go through and I hope by sharing this, will help those in similar predicament to further understand the process and hopefully will give them enough guts to start the treatment before it's too late. From my own experience, reading blogs and forums on top of the usual medical sites before and during my first IUI treatment did help me to understand the process better, especially the do's and and dont's not normally shared formally by the doctors.

Back to my treatment. I first visited an O&G specialist in 2011, a year after Big Boss and I got married. Initial checks didn't reveal any problems so we were not that bothered. We initially thought of starting the treatment in 2012 but we bought our house last year (hence a new significant financial commitment) hence the plan got pushed aside. This year, after a chain of events, I finally made up my mind to kickstart a more aggresive effort to conceive. I went to see Prof Zainul of PPUKM and almost immediately, IUI as the first treatment option was decided upon. A course of high-dose Clomid was started followed by 3 visits to MAC (medically-assisted conception unit in PPUKM) for follicle-tracking scan and on day-14 of my cycle, IUI was conducted by Prof himself and I was put on Duphaston after that for luteal support. The whole process until then was relatively smooth although juggling between supervising students' clinical clerkships at Hospital Kajang, other tasks at the office and frequent visits to MAC was pretty tiring.

Then came the longest 14-day wait to know whether the IUI was successful or not. I became anxious at times and even emotionally unstable as well as alternating between being indifferent (probably just denial mode) and highly hopeful/ desperation at other times. It was awful. It was awful to me and I am sure to my other half too. I became too anxious as days went by that I did a premature UPT only 7 days post IUI and saw a faint line. But by the second week, I had a horrible flu fever and daily stomach cramps then onwards and beta HCG blood test I did on day-14 broke my heart. It was negative. Prof explained that the stomach cramps that I experienced on the second week probably a sign of rejection although the exact cause remained unknown.

So, here I am embarking on my second cycle of IUI process with a totally different regimen (Femara + Puregon). The scan today revealed good egg sizes and even my ET is thicker than during the first cycle of treatment. Hopefully, I am emotionally more prepared and stronger this time round. I have taken a week off next week just so that I can (hopefully) reduce my stress level although I have to bring home a big load of reports and exam papers to mark. Pray for me ya!

Harus Terpisah

Kehilangan

How do you deal with a significant lost in your life, one that you've been secretly wanting for as long as you can remember but came to you only briefly? Even a bigger question, how do you deal with that lost when you're not allowed to grieve but instead you are to pretend that it never happened?

Emotional strength, is what you need. Impossible, but that is the only choice you have, sadly.

Proud to be a leftie

Apparently, today is the Left-Handers' Day. For once, I feel LOVEDDDDDDDD! Heh.

Dark

At this moment of time, I truly and desperately wish that I am already here:

Whatever decisions that I have made or going to make in these few weeks or months, I'm pretty certain that going back to Komodo islands on that boat of Pak Condo's will not be one that I would regret.

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Perihal hijab

This is never meant  to be a houlier-than-thou post, just a small sharing to those who are in the contemplation stage to take the plunge. You know who you are.

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Come May, it will be 3 years since the first time I started wearing hijab. I know some people may say that wearing hijab shouldn't be made a big deal. After all, it is wajib for all muslim women. However, whether we like it or not, taking the big step to wear it IS a big deal to some of us who do not observe it since childhood, for some reasons or another.

Prior to May 2010, I have been wanting to wear hijab for the longest time but didn't have the guts to do it. Don't have to preach to me it's wajib, I know. Since long before, I personally believe that hijab is a constant reminder to me and those around me that I am a muslim, hence should uphold the name of the religion in EVERY single thing that I do, not just those directly related to religious duties such as praying and fasting. Hijab to me is more than a personal duty, it is a HUGE responsibility.

I can still clearly remember an incident when I was in my first year of university back in the mid 90s. A few friends and I got hold of some tickets to a big Halloween party at the then-happening Hippodrome, London, and of course we went. We weren't drinking or anything, just hanging out with new friends and enjoying the music and dance. Suddenly, amidst the loudness of music and chatters, a white guy approached a coursemate of mine who happened to wear a hijab, and told her politely that the club is not a place for a good muslim girl like her. Although she and the rest of us stayed on till the end, I realised from that night onward that when you wear a hijab, there are some sort of expectations from others, even from those liberal non-muslims. I learned that night that when you're donning a hijab, certain places like clubs become a big no-go, even if you're there just to enjoy the live bands or meet friends.

Alhamdulillah, when I came back from Umrah in May 2010, the urge to wear hijab came naturally and it felt just right. I know at that point of time, I have experienced and explored most worldly pleasures enough that I could leave those unnecessary ones behind.

Of course, the transformation wasn't without hiccups. Prior to the change, my comfy informal outfits for hanging out with friends, shopping or even going to movies would be three-quarter pants or the most, jeans, with just baby-tees. Dressing up to go out would only take me 5 minutes and packing for any trips would just take below 15 minutes. In contrast, when I first started wearing hijab, going out was a major headache and getting ready, more often than not, took me a longgggg time. Finding 'shariah-compliant' clothing from the wardrobe was one problem, to colour-match them with my limited collection of hijabs was definitely another! Even until now, packing for trips would take triple the time compared to before and I can hardly pack everything in just a backpack. Another problem (which is still bugging me till now) is the need to iron the tudungs, if not the clothes as well. I just hate ironing! Scuba diving and swimming are tricky too because it can be very tempting to just pull off the hijab when your hair is dripping wet after a dip. Luckily, due to priority changes, both activities which were very often before have now becoming very, very rare (sadly).

But there is a silver lining although with ups and downs. I can assure you that things do get easier as time goes by although I am still learning. One thing for sure, although wearing a hijab didn't change me from a sinner to an angel overnight, I do feel that I am in general a better person now. I curse less for a start, and I observe the law and basic human rules more too. I don't jump queues, I don't speed, I stop at red lights even when there are no other cars around and I definitely use my signal lights when I want to make a turn or change lanes. Have you heard people cursing 'pakai  je tudung tapi potong queue/ bawak kereta macam  %^%##$**$%!!'? Yeah, I used to be as judgemental as that too so after the hijab, I try as much as I can to break the unfair generalisation, to uphold the good name of the Islam, associated to hijab.

Like I said, I am still learning. And together we shall, insya' allah.