So, I turned 48 a few days ago. Instead of having the day off to celebrate, it was a busy day instead starting with a virtual viva session for a master student of Universitas Gadjah Mada, Indonesia. Was abit nervous to be the external examiner at first since the internal was the former dean (and he was a high-profile and the youngest professor back then) but all went well and I truly enjoyed the 2-hour long viva. Heh.
2023 flew so quickly that I felt breathless at times. Work was busy as ever but I got to go scuba diving in March, went to Penang twice and once with my family and managed a trip to Japan and Yogyakarta. Eventhough the oversea trips were for work, managed to squeeze in some sight-seeing too. Achieved many highs workwise and professionally but yes, by the last quarter of the year, I knew I was heading for a burn out. I finally tendered my resignation and am now serving the 3-month notice period trying to clear off everything before I leave at the beginning of Ramadhan.
Although December started on a high note with the successful completion of our scientific conference which I chaired, the unsettling feelings became too obvious. So, when a few attempts at negotiations failed and instead of just buying my time until the take-over, I decided to step away instead. When the news spread, many were disappointed, old colleagues were surprised and some were even sad but it is what it is. I have to look after myself first and after 14 years, I am just tired. I resigned even without a new job but thank god I received 2 offers soon after. Kalau tak, mungkin masuk pulau jadi beachbum agaknya :) The irony is, I rejected Nottingham Uni for my degree back in 1996 just because I wanted to go to London for love (or so I thought) but now, 28 years later, I will be joining them (Malaysian campus) as a faculty member. Life is full of surprises eh?
Anyway, can't believe this blog is more than 20 years old already. I created with the help of a good friend in July 2003 and he later passed away just 3 months later. I hope I can keep this blog alive as long as I can to honour his memory.
Here's to a new year and a new beginning! Wish me luck!
Of all the things that I kept from the past, I can't believe I still have these. There were even mentions of economic crisis and reformasi in those letters! Thank you for the memories.
It's almost 4am and I couldn't sleep a wink so I got up to have an early sahur since I'm going to fast tomorrow. Came down quietly but instead of preparing food, here I am.
A lot on my mind today although nothing of importance in particular. I guess this is what 21 days of not leaving the house at all does to your brain. Apart from some deadlines, frequent virtual meetings and basic house chores, I have not been that productive in the last couple of days. Tonnes to do with student assessments, thesis drafts to read and papers to write, but I am uninspired. And inactive brain wanders.
In the past few days, I have been thinking a lot about the future, old friends that I haven't spoken to in ages, about the old work places, the sea, the underwater creatures that I miss so much and many more. I thought about the loved ones that I've lost and those who are aging and unwell. Suddenly I feel so helpless.
Anyway, I dreamt about Royal Hallamshire Hospital 2 nights ago. In the dream, I was supposed to restart work there due to the COVID-19 pandemic and they needed extra hands. But the hospital has changed so much that I found myself lost in the wards. So many doors! Weird enough, Corrine and Hillary were in my dream too. I wonder where they are now. I am pretty sure Hillary has retired long time ago but wonder if Corrine is still at RHH. I hope they are well. Big boss and I were supposed to go to London this summer but with the pandemic going on, I guess we have to scrap the plan. Nasib baik being a last minute person as I am, tickets tak beli pun lagi :) So, I hope once the situation is clear, we can go diving instead with the old gang.
For now, tatap la this old pic first.
Porcelain crab of Lembeh Strait, Indonesia (2009)
Oh, I noticed that since the MCO started, there are more birds in my neighbourhood, extra noisy too! The skies are bluer and last night, there were even 2 fireflies in my house too (although one is now dead thanks to Rizqy the cat). There's a blessing after all eh.
I am feeling melancholic tonight for no obvious reason, the cold and gloomy weather perhaps. And this is where I usually end up when that feeling creeps up. It's been awhile huh?
Anyway, I had a weird dream a few days ago. A dream that was so vivid that I woke up in cold sweats. A dream that came out of the blue, with no relation with real life whatsoever. But I was bugged by that dream for many days, even until today. Why, I wonder.
Today's date bugged me since a few days ago, as if it is one important date but I couldn't remember the exact reason. As if it is a date of an important appointment or of any celebrations.
Then it finally occurred to me this morning. Oh, it's THAT date. It is supposed to be our 16th anniversary but of course, it never meant to be. I am happier separately, and I am sure he is too. But 16 years already? Time flies.
Alas, after checking my ovulation calendar, it turned out that today IS an important date for me and my significant half. It is a date to have fun!
January 2014. A new year, a new start and it's time to get real.
I have many fond memories of this place. This was where I let loose of my sorrows, made new friends and met a new love. But I have moved on.... and some memories are best left behind.
Now that I am staying away from Ampang, there is no point of keeping the membership, so when the offer came, I let it go. Besides, there are many better pools around my place. May the new member enjoys his stay and makes beautiful memories here like I did.
Some ties are harder to cut. I hope, one day I will look back and give myself a pat on the back for the decisions I made, because it still feels like a real struggle at the mo.
How do you deal with a significant lost in your life, one that you've been secretly wanting for as long as you can remember but came to you only briefly? Even a bigger question, how do you deal with that lost when you're not allowed to grieve but instead you are to pretend that it never happened?
Emotional strength, is what you need. Impossible, but that is the only choice you have, sadly.
At this moment of time, I truly and desperately wish that I am already here:
Whatever decisions that I have made or going to make in these few weeks or months, I'm pretty certain that going back to Komodo islands on that boat of Pak Condo's will not be one that I would regret.
This song was dedicated to American soldiers during Gulf War but it gave a totally different meaning to me. It symbolises true friendships beyond age, race or gender and I am glad those special people were in my life at some point or another. Thank you, you know who you are.
Gambar hiasan: Pygmy seahorse at Batu Kelabit, Tulamben, Bali (July 2012)
I had troubling dreams or rather, nightmares several times in the past 2 weeks, which most of the time awoken me in cold sweats at 3-4 o'clock in the morning. The dreams were vivid, with a few faces almost repetitively appear in them although I can't really remember the story plots now. It was weird really, because these faces were from a past chapter that has been long forgotten.
Anyway, while driving home alone after attending a friend's wedding on saturday night, it suddenly dawned on me the significance of those nightmares. I just realised that one night around this month 10 years ago (I can't remember the exact date now since all 'evidence' had been destroyed long time ago) was the night when I received an email that broke my heart into pieces, one that changed my life plans and dreams 180 degrees. But true to the 'blessings in disguise' old saying, I have gained by heaps and bounds after the initial rock-bottom nosedive and the subsequent unsettling 2 years. I guess, the nightmares are just serving as reminders for me to continue counting my blessings and be grateful to the Almighty.
This blog was created in the midst of that unsettling 2 years by a late good friend to serve as an emotional outlet for me although I didn't feel comfortable of sharing anything with the world until after the final separation in Ramadhan 2004 and finally the divorce in December 2004. After all, except for very close friends and family, nobody else knew about the first incident and thought we were one happily married couple, hence the shock reactions by some at the end of it.
Although the unseen scars are now buried very deep within me, they're still there I guess, which explain the unexpected dreams or hints of sadness at unexpected times. But, after 10 years, I've decided to not even think or talk about it anymore. From now on, there will be no mention of those darks years in this blog anymore and insyaallah, it will be filled with current (happier) thoughts and experiences. Penning down diving trips is much more exciting than depressing writing right?
Thank you VTC for being there for me all these years.Farewell.
Once upon a time donkey years ago, this song used to be my midnight lullaby. I was only 20 years old then, alone in the big but exciting city of London, loving the new change but struggling to adjust myself to the cold weather (well, relatively cold to me until I discovered Sheffield's winter less than a year later) and most importantly, missing the then 'love of my life' badly. It was at the beginning of winter 1996 and the whole world was at the brink of a huge economic recession (although obviously I wasn't aware of it at the time) and our sponsors decided to cut its spending and only sent very few lucky ones to the UK. I was one of the lucky ones, he wasn't.. so he had to do his 1st year degree in Malaysia instead. We thought it was a brutal decision especially that he already got an offer to go into Imperial College and especially that we were madly in love. 'How could they separate us this way?' we asked ourselves again and again.
Bear in mind that it was 1996.. there were no facebook, youtube, mms, skypes, YM etc yet. We had emails already but not many households in Malaysia had internet yet although students in the UK already had fairly easy access to it at campuses. 'Alamak' was the in-trend chatroom at the time, before the birth of mIRC. Oh, and not that many people have yet to own mobile phones too. So, the only affordable mode of communication (students were cheapskates, remember) between London and KL, between these 2 unfairly-separated lovers was by letters. We wrote and received 2-3 letters per week and each can be easily 5-10 pages, filled with either diary-like entries or song lyrics and photos, and of course romantic words. The Royal Mail and Pos Malaysia were our best friends back then and the ever-so-faithful receptionist lady at College Hall, Malet Street was my every-other-day postman, she would automatically checked my pegion-hole for me the moment she saw me through the main door, coming back from lectures. Of course, any letters from Malaysia received from her would be opened enthusiastically there and then with big grins on my face.
Those were the days.
I'll travel 'round the seven seas for you It's written in the melody I adore you I wrote my love a symphony To show you there's nothing I won't do..
This song was sent to me in one of those love letters. Only the lyrics obviously since CDs weren't that big in Malaysia yet (or rather expensive), but it was written ever-so-romantically that I would hold it in my hands, near my heart for quite a number of nights after that. When I managed to get hold of the song in one of my mixed tapes, it filled my room again and again for quite some times too. I know it sounds stupid now but I was a naive 20-year old girl, madly in love and missing him badly. Can't blame me for being cheesy eh?
Those were the days when I thought love conquers all. The days when 'till death do us part' was really my believe and not just cheap words adopted from fairytale books and movies. Oh well, lesson learnt. Painfully but wisely.
Fast-forward 14 years later. I am hardly a romantic at all now. I still believe in love and 'the one' but you won't ever catch me queezing my brain to write love letters or that sorts. Sorry but I have better things to do (work, study etc) with the remaining brain cells that I have now. Of course, the occasional 'I love you' and 'I miss you' are still there but more in quick smses instead of in time-wasting lengthy prose. Pity him I know but does it mean I love him any lesser than the previous? Definitely not. I know it, he knows it... so what's the problem right?
Insya'allah we'll be walking down the isle soon and now, seven seas mean nothing more than the seas I want to dive in this year and next..
I saw a very fragile elderly lady at our usual INR clinic last week. She has multiple health problems and wheelchair-bound but was all smiley, very pleasant indeed. This was my second time seeing her in a month I think, and she was accompanied by her equally pleasant husband on both occasions. Pleasant but tired-looking I'd say. From our conversation, I got to know that the husband does everything for her... from taking her to all the clinic appointments and 3 times a week dialysis sessions to taking charge of her long-list medications including injecting 3 times daily insulin for her.
At the end of the consultation, I commented to the makcik that she is very lucky to have a very caring husband and wished I could find one for myself too one day. The pakcik replied instead with a full smile "Isteri pakcik ni datang dalam satu package.. dengan kencing manis, sakit jantung, sakit buah pinggang sekali!" while patting her shoulder gently.. The wife just smiled and I'm pretty sure I saw the exchange of loving stares between them at that moment. So sweet and touching!
That was, to me, the true meaning of "for better for worse"...
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I am sorry.
That is one sentence that I don't say that often but I have no qualm of saying if I know I am in the wrong.
I am still the ol' strong-headed girl. I can be sad, angry, bitter or just plain wrong at times ( I am only human afterall) but in the last few years, I have also learned to apologise more easily when I am in the wrong and to forgive and forget when I am wronged.
Life is too short for negativity. So..I am saying it now: I am sorry.
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I have two songs stuck in my brain today: Aspalela (thanks to a friend's ringtone) and the song below:
Remember the dancing baby from Ally McBeal? Comel kan?
Sms received at noon on monday: 'Update blog la weiiii!'
A couple of possibilities crossed my mind when I read it:
1. This particular friend must be having a bad monday blues for needing to read my blog on a monday! 2. This particular friend must be really free at the office for having the time to check out my blog AND sms me on a monday!
Buat kerja la weiiiii! ____________________
I saw him at a local mamak place just a few days before I went to Sipadan. With him surrounded by his friends and me being with mine, we just acknowledged each other's presence with a raised eyebrow and a quick wave from afar. A day after I came back from Sipadan, I found myself driving my parents to Serdang Hospital, to visit him. Not just any other ordinary visit, but one to the ICU to see him in a comatose state with so many wires coming out of his fragile body.
I see ventilated and sedated patients on daily basis... it is part of my job. But seeing own relative especially a young one in that exact condition is not something that I could stomach easily still. It was a shock to us all. The rate his condition spiralled down was unbelievable, even to the doctors who are treating him. Especially that he is only 23 years old, healthy and fit just the day before..
For now... all we can do is to pray hard that his fighting spirit will strive on and he will soon be ready to come out of his sleep and recover fully so that more happy photos of the cousins like this can be taken in months and years to come.. Amin..
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There are so many different things in my mind right now... some are issues that I have been avoiding and delaying. Some others are those that I feel will never have good endings anyway but I just couldn't stop thinking about them. My brain is on its auto mode at the moment.. It has a brain of its own with little control from me (It doesn't make sense, does it?)
When I get days like this, all I'd do is stare at my holiday photos, wishing I am still there. So... here are some photos that I've been staring at for the past few days, taken on my recent second Sipadan trip:
Topside
Underwater
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Love doesn't mean that you will never feel pain or live a life free from care It doesn't mean that your life will be perfect with every moment consumed by happiness Love does mean that you will always have a companion some to help you through the difficult times and rejoice with you in your times of celebration Love does mean that each argument is followed by a time of forgiveness and each time of sorrow is far outweighed by all the tender moment spent in each other's arms...
-Michelle Weber-
The above is taken from a poem book given by a friend a few days ago. Beautiful isn't it? Yup, I still have a soft spot for poems...I am a hopeless romantic afterall, right?
Anyway, the original version is much longer than this but am just too lazy to type it all.. _____________________
Last but not least, satu soalan cepumas:
Why do some people especially of the male species can just use the word sayang so loosely? How can one address a stranger the same way they address their loved ones?
Kenapa ya?
To me, sayang is a sacred word. It should only meant for that person you love, and that person only. Using it for any other will just downgrade the true meaning of the word.
Tomorrow is a significant date for one occasion and a date for one not-significant-anymore occasion. Get it?
15th January 1989
This was the first time I stepped into a school relatively near to my JB house, which I have previously heard as the best in Johor and one of the top ones in the country. I wasn't that excited at the prospect of being lock-up in a boarding school with some nerds, especially that my last year of primary was a blast with frequent get-together and parties with my then-gang, including some bad boys. Entering Desa Tun changed my life. I was too busy having fun with my girlfriends with all sort of activities from week one that my old gang were cut out from my busy life straightafter ..dulu mana ada handphones or emails to keep in touch kan. Boys disappeared from my social calendars too except for the occasional bump-into at shopping malls and my neighbourhood during weekend outings and school holidays. I was later told that the boys whom I was close to just the year before thought the school has changed me into a snob overnight. Oh well..
My only real contact with boys when I was in that school were just through those innocent pen pal letter exchanges with boys from other boarding schools or through random meet-ups during school activities like sea cadets, sports and visits. Nothing more and I wasn't bothered at all..
Anyway, looking back, I am glad that my dad decided to send me to that school. Or else, teenage pregnancy and dropping out of school might be on my life-resume, as how it turned out for some of my old gang (bless them). Yes... I was only 12 back then but for a period of time, I was mixing with the a wrong crowd of kids and it got into my head. Of course, life in STF was not all rosy.. I had lots of ups and downs there too but the 5-year stint taught me a great deal on true friendships and independence. I got myself involved in so many different types of activities and I was hardly at home during school holidays. Yes, the school gave me the opportunities to indulge in my favourite activities such as travelling. Sea cadet brought us to Woodlands, Pulada and Gunung Pulai for trainings, Survival camp brought us to Melaka, Handball brought us to Tun Mamat and Gunung Ledang while Titian Emas sent me to Sarawak for a few weeks as an exchange student. When I was in Form 4, I suddenly found myself with nowhere to go during one school break, so I bugged my Ustazah to let me join one national Kursus Nadwah which was held at SMAP Labu although I was not in Puteri Islam nor a Surau Committee. The trip turned out to be quite fun and my face got featured in a newspaper article anyway...hehehe..
Many non-boarding school leavers would ask and give comments like: what is so grand about being in a boarding school? Why are you (the boarding school peeps) are so hang-up about your schools and the past? You've left the school 5/10/15/20 years ago.. it is time to move on!
Yeah.. we have moved on alright. But that 5-year stint had made a huge impact in some of our lives, helped to mould the person we are today (be it good or bad) and the friendships made during those years were mostly true and unconditional ones that lasted till today (When my life came crushing down on me out of the blue one summer night in 2002, the first person who came to my rescue all the way from Nottingham to Sheffield was a good friend from school)... Hence, it is only right that we give a bit of time to commemorate those years... and that is what a bunch of us will do tomorrow night!
Remember Moero Attack? This show was a craze when I was in Form 2 that we would rush back to our common rooms after afternoon preps just to catch it on telly. We would then adjourn to basketball court (because we were basketballers at the time, not volleyballers) to practise all the 'somersaults' seen on the show... thank god nobody got hurt in the process!
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15th January 2000
This was the date when I got married 'officially' in Malaysia. Officially because.. we were already married 2 years earlier, at Regent Mosque, London with a male cousin acted as the wali and a few close friends as witnesses. We even had a good celebration that night with my then Guildford Street flat-mates cooking all sorts of food from nasi minyak to satay. The marriage was an open-secret back then and definitely out in the open and irrelevant now.. For all it is worth, of all the things that I have done and regretted.. tying the knot on that one spring day almost 11 years ago wasn't one. Even with all the things that had gone wrong, I still think that was the best decision that I have made in my life. It was the right thing to do back then and it was one that I made it myself (with him of course) without any external pressure.
Why am I disclosing this fact after all these while?
It is ancient history and irrelevant now but I just want to churn it out off my system once and for all, for the last time..heheh ;)
I had a dream last night. One that woke me up and kept me awake in the wee hours of a saturday morning. One that I haven't had for a long long time. One that I wished I won't ever get again... but I did.
On the way back from basketball this morning, this song came on air.
Had a long chat with a good friend just now.. and we talked about it, the big D.
The dream, the song, the talk. Too co-incidental for all to happen on a same day. Weird.
Then it suddenly occurred to me... It is the month. And the date is just a few hours away. No wonder.
Ouch.
No, I don't feel the pain anymore. But of course, the scar is still there... I think it will be there for a long long time.
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To the good friend: Happy Birthday. May true happiness goes your way, sooner rather than later. You definitely deserve it.
Pak Long: Kak Long bila nak kahwin? Boleh Pak Long naik KL lagi...
Yours Truly: Takde boyfriend lagi la Pak Long..
Pak Long: Tak apa la.. perlahan2. Cari lelaki yang baik-baik aje..
Kesian Pak Long. Tak naik KL la dia jawabnya... Lelaki yang baik-baik kat KL ni dah pupus la Pak Long...
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It was 12 years ago that I last went back to Muar for raya. After that, it was UK for 6 years, then JB for the remaining 6 (well, maybe one year in KL with the then in-laws..can't remember much now). Although I was pretty close to the Muar clans when I was small, 'kampung' to me was always JB. It is the place where I was born and grew up. The last few years saw me driving down to JB independently with my best buddy eventhough the rest of my family went back to Muar.
But it all changed this year. I followed my parents back to Muar without a single hesitation. Maybe my rebellious act has come to an end. Maybe I have wisen up. Maybe because my best buddy is now married and couldn't car-pool with me anymore. Maybe because the cousins I normally hang out with during raya are now married and spending raya with their in-laws. Maybe it is down to the fact that my granddad passed away earlier this year and spending raya eve and raya morning in JB would just bring sadness in me. Maybe...
Well, I had fun in Muar. In a way, I was glad that I went. But when I saw tears in Pak Long's and Mak Long's eyes later that evening when we went to JB for a brief visit, I knew it was a mistake. JB is where I belong with or without my late granddad. I had tears in my eyes too when I left. And so did my sisters. Hope I will make it back there next raya...insya'allah..
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I have decided. Having ketupat for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 3 days in a row is making me really sluggish. I will therefore, start going swimming at least 2 times a week starting next week. And basketball once a week if I am in KL at weekends. I have been putting off proper exercises for far too long. I have been in a state of denial for so long that not even once I weighed myself in the last 2 years.
Hopefully, I won't get another stalker or another boyfriend at the pool. Those were my excuses of stopping my regular swim the last time anyway! heheh..
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Ampang Point was pretty quiet just now. Quite a number of shops are closed but my mission to get DVDs to kill my boredom was accomplished..thank god the DVD shop didn't take long raya break like my usual car wash place (and this carwash place is run by Indian guys ok!). I was happily walking towards Guardians to get my usual travel toiletries since I'm going underwater again next week when suddenly I heard my name being called, softly. Oh... such a surprise. It was a good friend of a guy I used to go out with, whom, like him, is also a swimming instructor. He looked genuinely happy to see me. I was excited too since it has been a long time while since I last saw him. We chatted for quite a while and updated each other with our life progresses but when he asked me to join him for dinner, I turned him down. It was something he said that made me wanting to walkaway fast. He said he saw my ex recently and the guy still talk about me. Frankly, I don't want to know or hear more. I have this image in my mind that he is now happy with a new love and I'd rather keep it that way. Call it guilty conscience eh?
It rained cats and dogs when I left the hospital after work today. Heavy rain would normally bring out big sighs from me since it would more frequent than not means getting stuck in bad traffic jams. But today was an exception. Today, for some unexplained reasons, I welcomed the rain with a big smile... getting totally drenched out just to get to the car didn't bother me at all. In fact, I walked slower than usual and purposely walked across the instant water puddles just to get my feet totally soaked. I wanted to take off my shoes and walk barefooted but my always sober head over-ruled, since I was still in the hospital compound.
Nanti ada pulak yang kena hantar wad psychiatric pulak kan...
Walking in the rain today reminded me of my younger years when life was simple and easy. The years when only love matters. I remember one day when a loved one and I walked hand in hand from Ampang Jaya to my house in heavy rain without any umbrellas or raincoats. It was quite a long walk but like I said, we were young and innocently in love that not even the rain could get in our way. We had fun that day.
Nasib baik tak kena panah petir!
The distant memory of that particular happy moment brought a broad smile on my face as I entered my car, soaking wet. But the smile was cut short. Out of the blue, his name popped up on my phone screen a few minutes later, while I was stuck in a traffic jam, still soaking wet. A surprise to me considering we haven't been in touch for quite a long time. He smsed asking a few questions on some medications since he was and I guess still is, feeling under the weather. Oh well, for all it is worth, at least he still remembers what I do for a living...
C'est la vie.
Anyway, I hope one day, I will once again be able to walk hand in hand with the one I love in the rain...
Walaupun dah kerepot dan bertongkat!
Yes, I am still one hopeless romantic. Even pessimism can't change that in me...
